So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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