I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
