i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
