I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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