did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
