so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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