you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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