Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
