Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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