she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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