I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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