We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
