Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
