can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
