I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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