I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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