tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
