Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
