I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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