I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
