I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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