Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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