btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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