dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Plan B is the new Plan A
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
