Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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