I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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