You can't motorboat a personality
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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