Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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