Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Less talking, more tequila
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
