Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
