I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
