I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
