You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
