chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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