Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
