Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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