I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
