I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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