you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it glows. i had to have it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
