Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
