I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
