I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Randomize
