Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
