at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
