apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
