Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Michael Bay diarrhea
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
