A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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