i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
