I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
