in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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