Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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