why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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