she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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