dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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